Friday, November 30, 2012

Thanksgiving of Horses

It had probably been 20 years since I rode a horse before last weekend.

Credit and Blue

I grew up around horses but didn't ever really get to know any of them.  
I had some bad experiences when I was younger that made me not trust them.
These horses don't know me well either, I usually only say hi to them once when I'm around.

I have read and heard that horses are really sensitive to human emotion.
Before I rode Credit I wanted to hang out with him for a little bit because I didn't want him to be scared or anxious about me riding.  While I was brushing him, at one point he nuzzled in my chest for a little bit and looked at me as if to say everything is going to be okay......  
I am sorry I waited so long to connect with these guys.  
I hope I can hang out with them more in the spring.

Loving Cafe with Z and S.

Dad and his Deere.
THIS is how you unload a bandsaw.

Brake pad change with Happy dad.

.38 rounds in a 357.  Not bad?  I don't know.

Last weekend seems like such a distant memory.
Re-living the nightmare.
Embracing the pain.
Trying my best to stay strong for him.
Losing myself in the sadness.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

November 28th.

The day that could have been a life changer. 
Could have silenced the doubt and quieted the fears buried under the floorboards.  
Could have sowed the seeds of future happiness and brought everyone back together again.  
The most important decision of my life and I am not allowed to make it anymore.

Sunday, November 25, 2012


  When Z, S, and I went out to get siding from Shawna's old house a while back, we got to see piggies!
I remember being excited to see them but it was sad at the same time.
Looking back at these pictures makes the memories of that sunny day seem much more dark.
Most people don't agree with me but I think it is sad humans still think they need to slaughter animals to survive.  It's not about being at the top of the food chain or "these animals were given to us by god to do with as we please", or even about being healthy, it's about compassion for another living, breathing being that feels pain just like you and I.  It's been almost 15 years.  It is such a part of me that I don't think about it everyday anymore and I am not dropping banners from any fast food chain stores or bridges during thanksgiving anymore but my conviction hasn't wavered once.


What's over there?

This one actually looks like he is smiling a little.

Sad eyes.


Saturday, November 24, 2012

Good cold ride.

32 degrees.
Splitting lanes like I wish I could on my motorcycle.
Brought me back to life tonight.
Reminded me of loner late nights in Tokyo shooting photos.

I might need to build a bike this winter.....and I'm not talking another motorcycle.
Thanks Tim and Jason.


Some of my earliest memories at the house my parents sold when I was 7 are of riding a white BMX bike off hand made jumps with my brother. 
 I have missed late night riding in Bloomington since I moved to Indy.
These last two weeks have rekindled that fire.  

Best view of the city?

Elephants never forget.

Thursday, November 22, 2012


While I am not exactly excited about the roots of this American holiday, I do understand the need to reflect on who we are thankful for in life.  In Japan this is celebrated as 勤労感謝の日、or labor day thanksgiving.  Though the name and date changes during the occupation of Japan after the war, it originally was a celebration of the first harvest of rice.  

It is easy to get caught up in our everyday and take those around us for granted.  I am thankful this year for that realization, even though it came at a great cost.

Mom's vegan pumpkin pie. 

My dad finally retired. 
So I put him to work.  
I look forward to being able to spend more time with him.

Door demo!

Still need to trim the inside, caulk and paint.

Some people say that sometimes one door has to shut for another to open.  
I replaced the whole damn door.  
So what's next?

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Dark days.

I hope I made you feel less alone through this dark time in your life.  Even though I knew it would probably come to an end and you would cut me off again, it was the least I could do after putting your through what I did years ago.  I owe you so much more and can only dream of being able to get a chance to make it up to you.  

I am thankful I had one last chance to feel close to you, to hear your voice again. 
Your warm embrace.  
I am grateful to have had the chance to let you know exactly how I felt and know that you understood and believed me.  
To know that I did everything I could have possibly done.

Being able to talk to you lifted my spirits for a couple of days.  
Lifted the pain and made me feel lighter.  
Free again, almost like when we were together.  

I am no fool though, I saw it looming above.  
Casting it’s shadow the whole time. 
Only you had the strength to lift it off of me for that short time.  
Some day I will be able to do move it on my own.  

But not today.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Building blocks

 In life each one of us is building a home.  Things we love, the activities we participate in, the people we surround ourselves with are the materials we use.  We are always building, rebuilding, and repairing.  It's something that none of us can completely control, even if we put all of our energy into it.  People and animals come and go.  Unexpected life events, good and bad, shape our buildings.
They fill our homes with love and build our foundations stronger.

Sometimes there is a person that you meet along the way that becomes more of a part of the building than anyone else.  That person becomes so much a part of it that before you know it you are the same structure.  Life events, people, animals all pass through and it effects you both equally.

You are the same structure.
You have the same roof.
You have the same walls.
You are one.

Then that person leaves. 

The structure won't stand on it's own anymore.
It's not like it got split down the middle either.

A wall from this room, a piece of foundation here, the wiring from just the second floor.
The entire east wall and most of the kitchen.
So many fragments missing that the whole thing just collapses.
There is no patching or repairing, just piles of rubble.

It doesn't hold off the rain or the snow, there is no roof.
Cold winds freeze everything inside.

Life's good events are a fog and the bad ones are intolerable.
Anything that gets built up gets knocked down by even the weakest wind.
All the pieces scattered around.
An impossible puzzle.
And the builder knows that even if he tried it's only half there at best.
He knows it can't be rebuilt.

It can only ever be half a building.

And the motivation and passion for building anything fades.
The only thing left is the memory of the other half.
And a flicker of hope, always at great risk of being put out,
that the other half will come back again.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Moyou's birthday month

  So first a new bed and some toys.
Now a lathe.  Look at how happy she is!
Thanks Tim's brother.
I hope everything works out for you.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Operating room and Moyou's birthday

The lift needed new cast iron wheels.  
Bought them close to size and turned them out.  
Thanks as always Ryan....

Slightly larger....

Moyou, "When will we get one of these, dad?"
"When you start paying rent."-Me

November is Moyou's birthday.  It will be 2 years since I adopted her in February.  
A new elephant, chew toy, and bigger bed.  
The american apparel stuff is on it's way.  Shh...she doesn't know yet.

I finally framed in the windows....almost done.
Baby blue racing stripes?

The first patient in the OR.  
Thursday bike night tear down?


  Might have to rename this blog to rice and veggies for life.  Sustenance. 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

The future

The thing about a broken heart is it makes it hard to look forward to anything.  
-like everything has had the fun sucked out of it-
These two made it fun again though.
I'm looking forward to adventures with them, Finley, and Korbin.

Thursday, November 8, 2012





Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Sunnier days.

How does the journey begin?


Path to splash time.

I need a time machine.

Ladies in exploration.

Wake up to this feeling everyday.

If only.

Missing you.  

I hope to see you two stateside again soon!
Memories are torture.  
Second chances, a second chance, a third?  
How many chances do you get?  Not enough. 
Probably more than I deserved. 

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

There was an election?

  It was Vegan donut night-->which is much more important.

Some pre-donut animal shots.  
Such a good sport.
 Or maybe not.

Grizzle keeping things interesting.



And on to the donut making.....
Creepy smile?

Form and set.

Some kind of gang sign?

Rise children!

Fry baby, fry!

Glazed holes.

Creme filled and glazed.

This was my idea......strawberry supreme stomach ache.

Family shot!

Thanks Z and S for having me over.
We should do this more than once every 4 years.